expectations

Exams have ended,and i just got back my results not long ago.

I’m unhappy with myself because i know i could do so much better.At this rate,i don’t even think i can achieve my 10 pointer (I got 13 for this year’s exams)

I have to work so much harder for O’s next year because my school’s standard cannot be compared to elite schools and other neighbourhood schools (it’s just not as good).

I’m just thankful of the people around me who’ve been supportive and God,who’s always there watching and who has already paved a divine path for me to go.

I have to remind myself,that everything i do (academic or other activities) is to honour God.

On a side note:

i’m being drained from my thoughts as though my soul in dissapearing one day at a time

self-inflicted

So these pictures are the best out of the lot. Well i turned 15 (gasp) and i didn’t really feel quite different…

Probably age doesn’t really get to you when you get older. Or is it just me?

Meals,suprises and presents were what greeted me on my birthday which i was really happy for.

So thank you to those who made everything special for me ❤

 

On a side note:

Here i am making sense of what is currently a tummult of problems and preconceptions all jumbled up into a paranoid subconscious.I had a really scary dream last night about a friends of mine.It made me worry so muchh about it the whole day because it just seemed so…real.

I guess throughout these few months of sharing my thoughts here,i realize the great amount of thought i always put before typing a post.Sometimes my posts might appear stupid,and some personal.But i guess after reviewing the archives i realised that i have changed.

Change is only constant.And so i should try to accept change,but i don’t really know what to make out of it.

Sometimes i’d just be so inclined and presumptous to think that i’m the cause of all the problems between us.But actually after giving stuff much thought,it’s actually the fault of the two of us.

Nobody’s perfect in this secular world and i’m not expecting anything of you.Sometimes thoughts flood my mind so rapidly they translate into tears and it’s just a freaking cycle.

I’ve told myself never to be upset over such minor issues like these,but it’s definitely hard to see a friend so close just slip through your fingers and drift away like that.

It’s hard to heal the scars,because deep inside you know what caused them and it’s never really easy to forget.

Happy birthday,xx.

“When your love lets you go,you only want love more/Even when love wasn’t what you were looking for /”

Tegan and Sara,Speak Slow

miracle

Do we spend time together because we are bestfriends or Are we best friends because we spend time together?

Do we make time for each other because we’re bestfriends or are we best friends because we make time for each other?

semi

My week can be pretty much summed up with a colour.A sort of sparkly,green yellow.

Sometimes i tell myself that half the battle is won when there’s hard work put into anything you do.It just seems like i cannot bring myself to study or touch any books.I really need to buck up,seriously.Tomorrow HAS to be a productive day.Plans for tomorrow are : tuition>art friend>STUDY.

Words cannot suffice for how much conflict and tension has been going on these few days,it’s as though an apocalyspe is coming and everyone would be wiped out from the planet earth.

And please do not get the wrong idea,i hope you don’t think that i am like that//////////

on a sidenote/// KILL PAUL THE OCTOPUSSY GAH.

Contrrrra

I’ll beat you at your own game,honnney cause you deserve shit for what you’ve done to so many of us.

fuck you.fuck off.

OKAY YES,ON A HAPPY NOTE:

I wore out my grey crochet sweater which made me happy (:

Spent the day with TinkerJaaay today,had farn whoo.

Met the parents for a good dinner and shopped abit (:

———————————

I have to surround myself with people who will make me happy and not pull me down.

I used to think that probably you were the exception i could live with.

But i guess now,after so many problems,i guess you’re not.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

self explanatory

Life,on its own,is like a cycle.

A damned cycle to begin with, one that will repeat itself again and again.

Be it a cycle involving the same people,or involving different ones.

Because no matter how hard you try to break out of this cycle, you’ll get hurt eventually.

Sometimes i question self worth, and how much weight i have in other people’s hearts.

After i come to a conclusion, i tell myself that sometimes people act like they’re supposed to,not what they really feel.

Now, i really have no clue how to make sense of everything around me.

Laugh in the face of this adversity?

Too much worrying,too many constrictions prevent us from behaving like normal people.

We’ll just be accustomed to believing that we’re in a shit hole.

Why do i feel so out of place?

Why does everyone seem so different and irrational out of a sudden.

I’ve tried my hardest,maybe it’s time everyone starts making sense to me, not me making sense to everyone.

people change and go like seasons.

i actually……don’t know who and what you’ve all become.

/////////on a side note, i have a weird habit of deleting peoples numbers off my phone.but when they text,

i give them oxymoronic contact details.

//////////////////i…am sick and tired of jerks they should just..dissipate and evaporate.really.

// and to you, i don’t think i am what i used to be,so i don’t really give a shit about us anymore.

and to myself:please get a life- listen to more We are scientists/Of montreal to keep yourself sane,

read more books to maintain your well being and have more cupcake pebbles.

xxx

turn

Home sick today,which is like the second day of school.So early into the term and i fall ill,what a great immune system i have.NOT.

Conforming to social norms and trying to accept it is what i aim to do this term.Social scenes don’t get to you once you’re part of something.Bitches don’t get to you once you know how to get back.Fight fire with fire,that’s the rule of the game.

Winning at your own game,staying away from people whom you feel as ‘black holes’-those,who appear to irritate you out of your bleddy mind.And becoming more confident in writing essays,for lit.

Sometimes i really wonder why i love children’s literature so much.Books such as The Little Prince and The loblolly boy really triggered me thinking.There is a sense of escapism in children’s literature.A sort of innocence within the main character.There is no problem like what you see in a teenager’s life.Probably i live vicariously through children’s literature.Something which i’m sure i’ll never grow tired of.

Close enough to being close.

To me,time is always running out.Clocks are ticking away,seconds go by,minutes and then hours.

Although there is nothing to lose,the undeniable facts remain.the ones that scar us inside out,the ones that haunt us in our dreams.

Will they ever get away? will they fly away like how dust does,with one blow.Or like swallows,on a cool summer day

Are we going to accept those facts or try to cover them up by living in a sublime world surrounded by delusions and perceptions of things which turn out wrong.or are those haunting facts going to just live with you,be a part of you,and then slowly…you’ll learn to live with it.

Or just live a life filled with paranoia? a life where there are heightened amounts of accusations made by yourself,which turn the people around you into monsters.After all,you have to realize that you are the main cause of the deception,and that everyone around you are just puppets,or actors,who play minor roles in your show.

They’ll claw into you,rip you apart,like zombies.

Better get rid of them quick,before it’s too late.

xx

We’re all right where we’re supposed to be

I don’t think i have a bad temper,but as of late i’m just inclined to experience emotions so foreign to me.

Liars.

I hate liars,lies,broken promises and people who don’t keep to them.

I’ve met one,but i’d just be wasting my time rattling on about it,because i actually feel sorry for him.I don’t get such mindsets,why people make promises when they know they cannot live up to them.They just disappoint those around them.

You really are a disappointment,and everything that my friends said about you is true and that you just really only care for yourself.

I hope you know that i can see right through you.

You’re such a prick like Cook (from Skins).

I was right all along,nothing is real.

Face it,everyone’s just fuck ups.

I’ve had enough of a good thing,so it’s probably the bad stuff i’m supposed to endure for now.

Looking back and wondering if everything could just go back to what they were,i wonder what i would do to make it better.I got a wake up call today which just told me not to keep wondering about shit like that which only feels like shit so just care less about stuff like if things would go back to what they were.I don’t know what went wrong,really.It sucks knowing that you lost something and that you’ll never get it back.